Diary, 1994–1999

I don’t read my old work anymore. After a decade as a writer, I know exactly what it’ll make me feel—compassion, some pity; maybe there will be a phrase that I’ll admire, ­­­­but mostly I’ll feel self-loathing. Last year I came across my diary from a summer when, five years after having arrived in Oklahoma as a refugee from Iran, I was determined to win a national championship in Tae Kwon Do so I could get in to an Ivy League university. It was the summer of 1994, and I was fifteen. I kept the diary because I was lonely, weighed down by money worries and shame of being Iranian, desperate to perform my Christian faith. I was anorexic and addicted to Tae Kwon Do, which I practiced for six or seven hours a day. Writing in the diary was a self-soothing mechanism—I wrote down every kind word anyone said to me.

Reading it now, I feel gentler toward my old self, a version of me now nearly three decades in the past. I read her entries like I might read a daughter’s. Maybe when I’m seventy, I will read my forty-year-old self with similar compassion. The most interesting parts of the diary come at the end. After that summer, I returned to the diary in 1995, 1997, 1998, and twice in 1999, and in each entry I seem appalled by my voice in the one before it until finally I give up and stop writing in it altogether. There was no chance of sounding anything but stupid to the Dina of the following year, though she was the audience I was most eager to impress. The penultimate entry, from February 1999, during my sophomore year at Princeton, reads: “Note to Junior Dina: Don’t read this crap anymore.” Then, a few months later, scribbling a final entry on a locker clean-out notice: “I’ll always be a stupid kid. Good thing I realized that now.”

June 18, 1994

Dear Diary,

It’s been a really long time since I last kept a diary, but I decided to go ahead and start another one. I tore up the last one because my mom was snooping in it. So for this one I’m just using some regular paper in a folder instead of an actual diary. But I guess it’s what’s inside that counts. Well, it’s the summer after ninth grade. I’m finally fifteen. I’m just going to tell some of my recent experiences. I’m not going to go too far into my life. This diary will just have my experiences from now on. Well, let’s see, what’s been happening. Oh yeah, my best friends in the whole world (Kristina + Ashlee).

June 20, 1994

Dear Diary,

Yesterday (Father’s Day) was a really hectic day so I couldn’t write. Yesterday morning Mom woke up fifteen minutes before church and expected us to get ready! I told her that since I was on my period I had to take a shower. She said, “Fine you can stay home.” Then she went to church and told everyone we slept in!! She said we were (me + Daniel) irresponsible. Then she came home and started yelling at me and took away my TV because my room was dirty. That night was a lot better, though. Anyway after lunch me, Daniel, and Dad went to Lions Fun Park since it was Dad’s last night with us. Then we went [to see …] Elham be baptized. As soon as we got to church everyone was on my back about skipping church! (Even the really ugly guy who likes me.) Anyway, that night the pastor asked Dad if he wanted to be saved. He said yes! That night, on Father’s Day, he got saved, baptized, and had his first communion! I’m so happy. He left for Iran this morning but I know he’ll be safe. Last night we made him a video to take back. I’m glad we did that. A couple from church filmed it. They’re totally sweet (Mitch + Louise). Anyway, I totally pigged out yesterday. Today I’m back on my diet. Today I went back to my new TKD class. It’s at four thirty on Mondays … now I have hope because I have time to practice in between classes. A whole week between each one. And I probably went for two minutes with the two-pound brick (Daniel counted slow). Besides, God reminded me all these verses about how I should trust God and how “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” And today in our Bible study the chapter was about how the Israelites never trusted God, but he helped them, and we should trust God. Because no matter how unworthy we are, God will help. I’ve been praying a lot too. I think even the moving coming out called Angels in the Outfield about a baseball team being helped by angels is a sign about angels helping me and God answering my prayers.

Seeya, Dina <3

PS: I’ve noticed that I obsess about Kristina more than Ashlee. I think that’s because I can’t believe Kristina followed Ashlee. She was my friend longer and I loved her more. I really miss her.

August 2, 1994

I can’t get any lonelier. If I don’t find friends soon I think I’m gonna become suicidal or something. My TKD is also in jeopardy. If Mom can’t afford to pay my way till I get a job at sixteen, I’ll have to quit until then. I really can’t do that. Not only do I love TKD but it’s my only lifeline right now. Today the newspaper came to take pictures of the people who went to Nationals in Chicago. I didn’t go to Chicago so I was really depressed. Oh well, I should be thankful for what I do have. God loves thankfulness. I’ll find new friends and a boyfriend at school. I’ll make money for TKD babysitting until I get a job. (Mom can also pay for it.)

I’ll go to Nationals and advance in TKD next year. God will provide all these things. Besides I have all these people who love me and I should take advantage of the fact that I can make new friends this way. Dave Wyatt was really nice to me today. Maybe we can be friends and he can introduce me to people at North. I should take this time at Joann’s to relax, get a tan, get in shape and enjoy my free time away from Mom and Daniel. (I love them but everyone needs a break sometimes.) I’m gonna try to smile and be happy.

N.E. Ways

I gotta go

I’m tired.

<3 Dina

PS: I tried looking at a picture of Ashlee the other day. I couldn’t. It brought out too many hidden emotions. It was easier looking at Kristina’s picture.

September 24, 1995

Dear Diary,

This will be my last entry. I just read through all the others. Well, things have definitely changed. I worked as a lifeguard at the Aquatic Center this summer. I got a gold and silver at Nationals and then quit TKD as a green stripe. I got my license and a car. Mom and Ray got a divorce and I lost touch with all my friends over the summer and now I’m alone again. Sixteen is definitely an interesting year. I’m sure things with my friends’ll get better, though. Everything else is just perfect.

Dina

PS: At San Antonio (Nationals) so many things happened and every time something happened I heard the song “Eclipse of the Heart.” It’s my San Antonio song. Every time I hear it I get so pumped full of energy I can hardly speak.

June 3, 1997

Wow! I can’t believe I still have this. Going back through the memories of an important summer in my development as a person and my reaction to my own writing months later brings back such conflicting emotions. On one hand, I feel ashamed of the shallow child I used to be, on the other I am proud of who I have become. I am no longer the insecure, boy-crazy shopaholic teenager I used to be, though the fact that I am presently recovering from a nose job may prove me more superficial than I’d like to think. However, I console myself by reminding myself that I’m only following tradition. I am now eighteen years old and headed for Princeton on a full scholarship. I have just spent an incredible senior year becoming famous in the little town of Edmond and watching God perform miracle after miracle in my life. I hate to see it all end so soon. But I must start a new life now, a life as an adult. Still it’s hard leaving behind my wonderful friends. Yes, the same friends I was unsure of in my last entry have become God’s blessing in my life. I will always cherish them and the three magnificent years we shared. Life has definitely changed. Wow!

<3 Dina

April 19, 1998

I just read through all my entries again. The most interesting was the last one. I talked about how much I’ve grown but in reality I had just become pretentious. Who talks that way anyway? Well, I’m about to finish my first year at Princeton. It’s been awesome. I’m very happy and hopefully no longer SO shallow or so pretentious. The one thing that impressed me a lot about my entries was the fact that I always relied on God. He is always watching and taking care of me. I’m so happy.

<3 Dina

PS: Note the date. Three years ago was the bombing. I should really do something like call Jeff but I’m not sure if that’d be appropriate.

February 4, 1999

I just finished reading through my entries again. It’s weird that every time I read them, the last one sounds stupid. So this time I won’t say anything about how I feel. Maybe next time I’ll be a little easier on myself if this time I just don’t say anything. So I’ll just stick to facts.

1. Sophomore at P’ton

2. Tomorrow—find out about Tower

3. FSC killing me

4. MAA—just confirmed

4 ½. Swing

5. Gotta go.

Dina

PS: Oh God, this whole entry is gonna sound so dumb. I can’t even succeed at not sounding like an ass. How depressing. (But I’m happy.)

Note to Junior Dina: Just don’t read this crap anymore.

May 19, 1999

I’m twenty now and just realizing that every time I read my last entry, I’ll hate my old self because I’ll never stop growing. I’ll never be perfect. I’m always gonna be a stupid kid. Good thing I realized that now.

Dina

 

Dina Nayeri is the author of two novels and a book of creative nonfiction, The Ungrateful Refugee, which won the 2020 Geschwister-Scholl-Preis and was a finalist for the 2019 Los Angeles Times Book Prize. Nayeri is the recipient of a National Endowment for the Arts literature grant, an O. Henry Prize, and the Iowa City UNESCO City of Literature Paul Engle Prize. Her writing has appeared in the New York Times, the Guardian, the Washington Post, The New Yorker, and Granta.

from The Paris Review https://ift.tt/8FOaUpY